Fair little warning that this post is going to be kiiiiiiind of a downer. Nothing CRAAAAZY or insanely self-deprecating, 'cuz I don't want to put that online, but... I've been feeling really, reeeeally tormented as of late --- so much so that this is the first time I've been motivated to vent on this blog. I have no emotional outlet (for these specific issues) anywhere besides here. Writing makes my head feel slightly less congested. Also, I made the very intelligent and intellectual choice of venting about a specific personal issue on the notoriously wonderful and compassionate app 'X' (formerly known as Twitter,) and then, miraculously, three days later, it resolved, and I finally put together the courage to further socialize with my... fandommates? Acquaintances? Fellow roadies? Whatchamacallits...
(granted, I was approached first out of what I'm assuming is a sheer stroke of luck and had nothing to do with the actual thread. The universe works in mysterious ways! Maybe my current woes will resolve, too, since I'm putting 'em out here...)
Anyways, that courage has maybe-kinda-sorta led me into the predicament I've been facing.
I'm two -- almost three -- years into being an active participant in the No Straight Roads fandom. Kind of crazy how time flies!!! And I've met and socialized with a bunch of people that, for the first fandom I've participated in since 4-5 years ago, I can consider them part of the 'friends' category. I am like many other autistics who have a hell of a difficult time gauging friendships/acquaintanceships with other people. Regardless... my perceived friendships have only recently sprung upon me since I joined two NSR discord servers two-ish months ago after two years of dawdling on Tumblr and Twitter, and more than 730 days of 'will-they-hate-me?' 'will-I-belong-there?' type apprehension.
Good news: I have people whom I consider to be my friends now! I'm in my friends era!
Bad news: Whenever I enter a new 'era', I'm hit with a new set of 'era-specific' problems. The reprieve only lasts so long. As Kelly Price once said in Mo' Money Mo' Problems - The Notorious B.I.G:
It's like the more money we come across
The more problems we see
(good song by the way, go and listen to it)
My apprehensions have now morphed into 'do-they-hate-me?' and 'do-I-belong-here?'. I am already (generally) very sensitive to what others think of me. As a baseline. Now that I consider these people my friends, though, I care even more; it's like rubbing-a-burn-rash type sensitive. And I hold their (perceived) judgement above my head, to an extent...
I haven't seen any other autistics write or say anything about this; hell, I'm not even sure if this *is* an autism thing or if this is simply a flaw in my personality, a consequence of being, like, genuinely socially inept. But. I have a very difficult time finding my place in social 'environments' if there's no specific unspoken role that I can fill. I am always, always horrified at the thought of either: sticking out like a sore thumb, or standing out like, uh, an amputated thumb. Err. The lack of space of which a thumb should be..? I'm horrified of trying so hard and getting nowhere.
Take this as one example. In my early days in the NSR fandom, I wanted to draw Mayday. She's my favorite character, and I figured this place could use some more Mayday, so I drew lots of Mayday. Tumblr spoiled me. I liked to think I was a pretty decent artist. At that point, late 2023-early 2024, the fandom was relatively quiet, but I wanted to be loud about how much I loved Mayday. That had garnered me the title of 'the Mayday artist' by some. I remember searching my name up in a NSR server I joined (and proceeded to never speak in) ages ago and seeing 'Prolific Mayday artist'.
In other words, there was a make-believe role I saw (only visible to me, because I overcomplicate things,) and I liked to believe that I filled this make-believe role.
My use. It's all about my use. I calculate friendships very, very strangely. How can I be of use to my friends? What do I have to offer, that other people don't? How can I make myself seem less replaceable, when there's newer, more advanced artists making better art to further advance their friendships with people? When there's people bringing new thoughts to the table --- bouncing off of each other left and right --- new insight and new angles springing to life in conversations that I can't keep up with? When there's people, sharing each other's excitement, bonding over that excitement, ... when there'll always be people who can express that excitement, that jubilance, that joy of theory and discovery, better than I can?
How do I make myself less replaceable? How do I stop feeling useless?
I don't know. I feel tormented by it all. I feel overwhelmed and like I'm not doing enough to prove my devotion. I've already stopped checking Twitter altogether because, every time I use the site for an extended period of time, an odd and viscous sadness starts seeping its way into me. Comparison truly is the thief of joy; I don't think the joy I get out of drawing now is the same as it was several months ago.
Now Discord has been making me sad and anxious; even something as small and insignificant as being glossed over and/or very very gently disciplined will send me spiraling. I'm only just discovering that there's. Like. An actual name for this: RSD, a.k.a Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Very fascinating! But. As dysphoric as I might feel, I can't disappear from there, too, for several reasons including that the FOMO a.k.a Feeling Of Missing Out will eat me alive. I keep many channels muted so I don't feel as overwhelmed. FOMO continues to knock. 'You might be missing out on social points by not checking!' continues to knock. Then I begin to ruminate on all the stuff I'm missing out on ... all the bonding that I've failed to be part of ... and I get even sadder from something that is supposed to be a preventative measure.
Also, I think it's reeeeaaally important that I clarify that I don't resent any of these people. I don't resent my friends.
It's more so, like, an overwhelming sadness and feeling of inferiority that is somehow made worse by the fact that I know that this is (probably) all in my head. I'm aware that nobody's mind operates the same. Whatever shittin'ass HELL is going on up inside my cranium, who knows what the next guy's thinking of. Accordingly, just because I feel worthless doesn't mean other people think I'm worthless. This is supposed to be a comforting fact, but I just can't properly internalize it!!! It is so weird to want reassurance and yet dread the thought of having to ask for it! And so, because of the faultiness of my thought process, of myself, of the way I operate... that resentment ends up directed inwards towards myself. Why can't you work? I say, to the stupid fucking $2,500 manual power generator I bought specifically to circumvent the failure of Vinyl City's power grid. I crank and crank and crank but the lights in my shitty little hole-in-the-ground apartment are still, unfortunately, shot.
Self-awareness is kind of useless if you're not, like, doing anything with it. So, I know where I need to be next; I need to stop giving a fuck! I need to stop caring! I need to realize that this is all the internet; it's never that serious! But how do I get there? How do I stop giving a fuck about the internet, when relationships on the internet are all I've had since 2021? How do I stop caring?
All things come and pass. I know I'll stop caring, eventually. I have to. And my anxiety will pick something else to fuss over as the 'something' becomes relevant in my life. I just don't know when it'll come.
On a lighter note, I've become the motherfather to six lovely potted plants and I've started taking writing more seriously as a hobby. Part of me anticipates filling a make-believe 'mayzuke fanfiction writer' role. Maybe it'll make me feel more useful --- although I write motivated by my undying love for Mayzuke, and NOT specifically just to feel useful. The No Straight Roads tag on AO3 really could use some more Mayzuke fanfics after all...
Speaking of fics/stories... Recently I've been developing stories for my NSR OCs, set in 1970s Vinyl City and present day "2006" Vinyl City. They, err, just so happen to be Mayday's mother and father --- but their relations to her are not the most interesting aspects of their character, I promise. They've been helping me get my mind off of ruminating and ruminating. I'm quite excited to share them in my next post ... the one that's been simmering since March ... so, in case anyone's reading this, look out for that!
Also, I start really real in-person college on the 25th, and I'll be thrusted into the real world. There's that...
I won't say 'leave a comment' 'cuz people don't really leave comments underneath vent posts, because they don't really know what to say, so.... Hmmmm. Scratches chin. If you actually read this thing through, then mention... I don't knowww... Bangin' Buns loaded Mac N' Cheese, or something. Doesn't have to be here. I think Mayday would fuck up some Loaded fries. I'm so hungry DAMN!
(Or you can just let me know straight-up. Or don't. Regardless, I appreciate you for stopping by.)
